Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Graaaaaaaaains...

So, my roommate is writing a Zombie book, and it got me thinking. What would I do if I became a zombie? Veggie-wise, I mean. Would I go full Z and start chowing down on everyone I know, or would I stay a V and forgo the usual zombie fare?

Well, I guess this depends on a few factors. First, what kind of nourishment do zombies actually require? Do zombies primarily feast on brains because that is the actual nourishment required for their continued survival, or merely because the gray matter of that asshole down the street is literally delicious revenge? Do they genuinely like the taste? Can they taste? Or, like in Warm Bodies, do they simply eat the brains because it allows them to feel human again, if only for a little while? I like to think that unless they serve some essential nutritional purpose, I would pass on the grey matter and opt for a nice stir fry. Of course, if zombies can taste, that begs my next question: Does returning from the dead change your taste buds? I have to assume that it would, because no one I know has any interest in eating the breains of a fellow human, even one they hate. I must, therefore, wonder if I'll still like the same veggies I like now. Then again, if I don't, maybe I'll start to like some of the veggies I've always hated. (I'm looking at you, celery.) Who knows? Or perhaps Zombie taste-buds are specifically tuned toward fleshy flavors. And if brains are so delicious, would I still be able to forgo them? Or would I even allow myself to try them in the first place, knowing that it might become a weakness, like bacon is now?

This, of course, all hinges on one very important question: What kind of zombie am I? Am I a conscious, self-aware, fully functional rotting corpse, or merely a member of a mindless horde of diseased flesh and unsatisfied cravings? After all, if I'm not fully aware, I can't be held responsible for my actions. Any brain-munching I might partake in while in any less than a fully self-aware, coherent state may not be my own decision, or desires, and must be treated as an unconscious episode, or bout of insanity. Especially if there are mindless hordes involved. If, however, I'm fully self-aware, I can make the conscious decision to remain a vegetarian, even in the face of enormous peer pressure. Of course, at that point, I'm dead anyway, so all my health and food-preference related reasons go out the window. Hell, I'll probably get shot by some farmer with a hero complex sometime in the very near future anyway. Might as well wreak some havoc while I've got the chance...

I guess what I'm saying is, if someday I come up to you and try to munch on your brains with a vacant expression on my pale, rotting face, don't take it personally. I'm not myself today. Just hand me some broccoli and try not to make a mess when you shoot me, okay? Thanks.

~Happy Hippie Herbivore

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