Not Without Breaking: A poem

It's not that I'm uninspired.
It's that I'm overwhelmed with inspiration.
Feelings,
emotions,
experiences,
all these words swirling around in my head with
no way to get them out.
Not without breaking.

It's all so personal, too personal, and I haven't let anyone see me in a long time.
I'm an actress. It's what I do.
Push it all back, stuff it into the cracks
and the corners
and the closets,
so no one sees.
Put on a happy face, smile for the cameras, and keep the rest of it tucked away,
behind a brick wall of indifference.
Don't let people in.
They might see,
they might laugh,
they might judge,
they might assume.

They might not understand.
Then what?
Are you sure you're strong enough for that?

That's what I thought.
What I knew.
Because there's only one thing in the world scarier than that.
What if they do understand?
What if they don't laugh,
don't judge,
don't assume?
What if they see
all the things hidden in between the lines?
What if they peer
deep down into your exposed soul,
and stare openly at the broken, exhausted creature that calls it
"home?"
Could you stand there and let them watch?
Could you let them see?
Could you handle that?

Because I can't.
Not without breaking.
And breaking hurts.

~Happy Hippie Herbivore

Trading It In

The hardest days to relinquish are the ones where you need to the most. When the very thing you need to let go of is pressing on your consciousness every moment. When all you want to do is breathe, but every inhale brings new pain, and every exhale feels like giving up.

You're tired.

I'm tired.

Letting go is hard to do, when all you want is something to hang on to.

I'm realizing, though, that it's not about just letting go. I'm not supposed to take my troubles to the altar, and then just leave empty handed and alone. It's about trading in the things I don't need, for the things I do. Worry for wonder, fear for freedom, troubles for truth.
It's a give and take, and right now, I'm not doing either. I'm clinging to what I have, for fear that in losing it, I lose everything, and gain nothing. But what if, by letting go of everything, I'm gaining more? What if I'm putting down my burdens, so I can take the hand of one who loves me more?

Wouldn't that be worth it?
Worth all of it?

Wouldn't gaining all the treasures of heaven be worth every penny and every breath lost and left behind between here and there?

Wouldn't you rather trade it all in?

~Happy Hippie Herbivore

One Word

It's not giving up.

That's the most important part.

I almost came to that point a few weeks ago. I decided then and there that I'm stronger than that. I refuse to be that weak.

So, this is not giving up.

It IS giving away.

Giving in.

Letting go.

It is both an admission of weakness, and a display of strength.

It's the word whispered to me through trials and struggles, through pain and pride, through everything I thought I was, and everything it turns out I am.

Relinquish.

This is my word for 2014 as I deal with all the trials and struggles, the pain, and the promise. I'm letting it all go, relinquishing my pride, my control, my pains, my fears, my life, surrendering it all, in favor of a higher plan, and a higher calling. And let me tell you something.

It's terrifying.

This is a big deal. A scary, difficult, unbelievable work of pure crazy. And you know what? I'm ready for that. I'm ready to let it all go, and not have to be in control for a while. God has this all worked out, and I'm coming to terms with the idea that, maybe, I never had control in the first place. So, I spending this year focused on a word and a verse. Relinquish. Psalm 55:22. "Give your burdens to the LORD and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." (NLT)

"Good morning, my beloved

I have plans for you today

If you will let me calm your heart

I'll come and carry you away

You will be fearless in the morning,

And silent in the night

And angels come to guide you to the light

Good morning, my beloved

Know my eye has been on you

Cling to all my promises

And know that they are true

The time has come for your becoming

And though the change brings pain

Know that this will bring eternal gain

For it's my hands that mold the clay

And my voice that starts the day

It's my breath that brings new life

Through my perfect sacrifice

It's my words that tell the story

That will bring you to my glory

So, though the way is dark,

It leads to home.

Be still and know,

It's my hands that mold the clay."

-mold the clay, 12/23/13

~Happy Hippie Herbivore